Saturday, September 3, 2011

I am useless



Am i a human, or a beast who knows only to feed.
Why am i a parasite, why do i suck entities dry?
Where am i human? he wouldnt hurt a fly
Why am i here? what have i done !
But im helpless, these things i must do
Why even my parents, why dont i let them be
I pester them always, never let them at peace
A bike, a car, a cell; greed that drains their banks
I hurt my loved ones, not me; my greed
But i feel guilty, i repent for my misdeeds
These are not crocodile tears, i must make you believe
But from a fly to the sky, its me who makes them cry
But to live i must hurt,
For otherwise, i must die
I am a symbol of pain, of death, of hell
I am a murderer, for without doing so, i cannot survive
Im a sinner, for ive sinned for a long time
But without sins, im somebody redundant
Im somebody, wait a nobody
I mourn for the people i hurt,
But without doing sins, i must die
Without sins, i have no hope to survive.

Where am i, what is my need?

Well I'll Be Damned

 Today I’m here, tomorrow maybe not.
The victories I savored, the losses I got.
Despite these, my life had been futile,
I had been lost, I’d forgotten it all.
All the troubles my parents went through
To get me to the top.
All the sacrifices they made,
The half empty stomachs they kept
The sleepless nights they spent
Only to see me rejuvenated!!!

I forgot my friends, who’d been by me
Throughout my troubles, who’d helped me through
I forgot the tears they endured
When they saw me pained
Impudent I was, when it was my turn
To return their favor, when they were in need
I shunned them aside, paid them no heed
I vied for my goal; looked back no more
However, I forgot they were the last time
But are here no more.

Now I’m tranquil, solemn in my secluded exile
I glance around, not a glance I am returned
I searched success, my search left me alone
I once had the desire to live, now I have none
I don’t know why, but I’m done with this life
I’m done with this world
I feel it’s the time
To return to god

I AM DESTINED

 There are days when gazing up at the stars, I wonder about what I have managed to achieve in my life. Being amongst the better at any activity I take up must mean at least something, shouldn’t it? Mr. Omniscient if you may; that’s what I am, any form of discussion going on around me; I am able to add something worthwhile into it. I receive phone calls at the middle of the night; some desperately seeking my help in some physics problem, or some chemistry mystery that the callers managed to entangle themselves in, while the others being from my competitors checking up on me. I must be somebody, mustn’t I? Some call me a genius, some an intellect in its true terms. Once somebody even sarcastically remarked (I don’t know if it was sarcasm or it was flattery that I then hadn’t beheld), “What you touch literally turns into gold!”

Despite being the SCIENTIST at my school, a name which my fellow students so kindly presented me with when I was at school; or the Ph D of my college (a metaphor my friend used to first describe me when he saw what I was capable of), I still feel the need to hide my face whenever I am addressed by these titles. I’m embarrassed rather at hearing my name being eintraegt (that’s German for exaggerated; I forgot to mention I speak 6 languages); and when I’m brought into every discussion my acquaintances make regarding studies. That’s right, I am pretty damn good at studies; but I pretty much suck at everything else. I am a teenager whose teens have begun to fade away like the sun at dusk, not enjoying mind you, but doing the differential equations of n’th order, or solving integral equations or studying quantum gravitation, or the Cooper effect. Completely missed out on the point of being a teen, haven’t I?

Over many attempts at being a regular teen, I’ve learnt to accept that I can’t be one, for I wasn’t raised to be one. I know for a fact that singing isn’t my thing, my brother keeps on reminding me that he’s heard frogs croak better than when I sing; bless them and their vocal resonators. And I can’t dance. It’s not like I haven’t tried to dance; its just that my back makes creaking sounds whenever I try; if memory serves, I believe my grandfathers old rocking-chair used to do that. Friends I’ve had many, or rather worthy adversaries of my school life. These are the same people whom I looked up to throughout my schooling career, who however never paid me any heed…….. terribly annoyed I used to be then. There is one friend whom I always paid my homage to, I still do in fact; the trouble only being that my respect recipient himself has lost his path. Dreadful the situation around me I see whenever I take time of my not so busy schedule to take a glance around, my friends neck deep in their studies having sleepless nights with only two days to go for the examinations, precisely when, 10 miles from the closest man, I sit around; with nothing better to do then type whatever crap comes into my mind. I don’t regard myself superior to others because of this, which my acquaintances tend to think when they talk to me for a long time, that’s just the way I am. I can’t sing or dance, nor do I know how to party. I remember the fool I made of myself at the PEF Bd course picnic when I attempted to enjoy expressively, however short an attempt it may have been; now I’m continuously trying not to have such a venture again.

It’s not like I don’t enjoy what my friends do, I have the same hormones remember; stimulating the same systems; however I am also blessed~ or rather cursed with the power to restrain myself. There are times when I turn green with envy looking at my friends dancing the entire night; or when they exchange love quotes, hold hands in the class even in front of the teachers and talk soothing words of love to one another. At these times, I feel how nice it would have been had I also had such a “someone” with whom I can also share my thoughts. But the thing is……… finding that someone for me is like looking for a needle in the hay. Its possible one may think, but I don’t mean the regular sized haystack; but rather a barn full of them. I’d love it if somebody would have given me a gift of Lord Ganesh for a valentines day; or if I’d be having a stalker up my tail. However being me does yield its rewards every once in a while. There are also times when I feel that god has created me with love. These are the times when I’m the only one who had answered his teacher and was sitting in the class with pride when his friends are all hiding their faces; or when I am on the top of the merit list. I’m a large bit more oriented to the student side of a teenager’s life you see, while my friends are to the “All fun” ridge. If you’d meet me in person, you’d know that I don’t believe in destiny at all; but here I say so myself, I’m bound by thick paddle-locks to always remain a student, a cage that I’m shunned into, and out of which I can’t get in this lifetime. I am destined.

An (Un)Anticipated Birthday

Its been sixteen years since that day, that lucky day I got a chance to wake up from the abysmal sleep, the day I peeked out from behind the eyebrows and for the first time peered into the great big world. Seventeen years, that’s a long time one might say; the joys of childhood, the recklessness of schools, are all behind me. The ambrosia of joy I once had so much fun tasting, I have lost for ever. The merry of friend-gossiping, the fun during slide playing; now I can never feel them again. I have now lived through a fifth of my life, well almost a fifth, but the fun is all behind me now, stored safely in the chest of memories.

It was fun, no doubt; fun to learn to live life, fun to improve myself subconsciously. It was great fun to play cricket in the rain, fun to race with my friends on a really muddy ground. Fighting with girls over petty matters, well that was ROCKING. I still remember a few of my Girl---Friends and the kind of cat-dog fighting we used to have in class, you heard me—“IN” class, just when the teacher would be teaching in the class. Sometimes it would be about the thing taught, at others it would be about how they looked (Hehe). You can’t believe the points they select when they decide to fight, these girls I tell you; it means WAR. I remember how I once got carried away and really offended one of my former flames, got carried away in the wrath of the fight I should say, and have been regretted that incident ever since.

My life hasn’t been straight, hasn’t flowed through its course like a river; rather it has been like a river meant for rafting where the water flows like it is about to kill or something. People often raise their eyebrows in question or widen their iris in surprise when they find the bastard I can be. My tongue cuts through others sentences like scissors; and once enraged I am often unable to stop in a quarrel, which my friends find strange for a geek. Well, I tell them that I was not always a good student, I have been bad. There were times when I was the friend of the meanest and the worst people civil people would name; only because we had a common interest-basketball. I was never a smoker, but I have been many other things. The people I tell these things to often ponder over my words, and finally laugh; quite annoying really. But I am not going to tell them that, not going to start another fight for no reason at all I am not.

Today was my birthday, and after a 16 year long meditation and philosophical discovery, I learnt to accept that today was just another day, nothing special. When I woke up, I anticipated my parents wishing me, like they had been doing for the past 16 years, before everyone else; just the contrary happened, they forgot. The person who called me always at the first never called. On the basketball court my friends turned out to be the first ones to wish me my birthday. The first three pointer I shot went in, it was a good sign. But, everything I shot later didn’t; guess its one of those days isn’t it?

Except for my parents, and my big-mother, well that’s what I call my mom’s sis, each and everybody of my god forsaken relatives literally forgot that today was my birthday; I was shattered. I was with my maternal uncle the whole day…….even my Grand-mom forgot. I didn’t mind, however; why would I mind, it was just another day, wasn’t it? ….. I was constantly checking facebook, and there were really sweet messages; wishes and birthday greetings. However, I felt that the greetings I got were electronic; one minute it is there and the next  moment, wooosh……. It definitely didn’t beat the handwritten greetings, or the sense of pure feeling conveyed by the words, soothing words in this case( I was shattered, remember). How nice it would have been had anybody called me and told me “happy bday dude”, heavenly!!!!!! (number nahune lai ta fb thikai ho, hunalai ni?)

 Today I realized that birthday was just another day if one didn’t know how to celebrate, or didn’t have people one cares for around him to celebrate with. There is no point in enjoying more on a birthday, or enjoying less for that matter on any other day. Today, I anticipated many things to happen on their own, they did not. It may be a birthday gone to waste, but to me it taught a valuable lesson…ASLI MAJA TO SAB KE SATH AATA HAIN

P.S This blog was written with strong waves of emotion, please consider it as such. I know that the language is not that good.